Episode 133: Candlenights The IIIrd

(Transcription in progress)

"Candlenights The IIIrd" is the 133rd episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me, which was originally broadcast on December 17th 2012 at 22:53.


As with past installments in our annual Candlenights spectacular, we've managed to talk to one another for an entire hour without cursing, so it's good to share with the fam. Well, we actually cursed a lot. But we edited that out.

Suggested talking points: Holiday MagiQuest, A Collander of DVDs, The Buckiverse, Frosty the Homunculus I Made Out of Wet Sand, Book in a Sock, Two Turntables, Tim Curry's Pokemon Treats



(Griffin) Hey folks, Griffin here. It's that time of year again, that special, special time of year where you can gather the whole family around the jambox, and you can play this most precious candlenights episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me. We promise we're going to keep it clean, cleaner, even, than years before, when we didn't actually keep it all that clean. But this time, we mean it, you know we're good for it, so listen ahead with virgin ears.

(Griffin) That was gross, but that was the last gross thing that we're going to say on this show, on the whole episode, I guarantee it. Come round Papa, Mamum, Daddy, there's two dads, there's two dads and one mom in this family, it's a great and crazy family. Come round everyone, gather round for My Brother, My Brother and Me's third Candlenights spectacular.

(Justin) Over the hill, lordy lordy look who's 40.

(Griffin) What do you mean?

(Justin) It's Jesus' birthday, he's getting up there.

(Travis) I see what you did there.

(Griffin) One more birthday, one year closer to death and then life again, right after it, 3 days after it.

(Justin) Happy Birthday Jesus, hey it's Jesus' birthday.

(Travis) It's probably a lot of people's birthdays.

(Justin) It's probably a lot of people's birthdays, mainly Jesus' birthday here on My Brother, My Brother and Me Candlenights spectacular. What a bummer it must have been when you know the years are counting down to you peacing. Like, his 33rd birthday, his 32nd birthday was at 1, like he had to know something was up.

(Travis) Now Justin, you and I both know that that's not the way the Roman calendar works.

(Justin) Sure it is! Why is it 1? Why is it 2? What do you think's going to happen in two years? I do want to also note that I did transplant this joke from an episode of Dinosaurs. What's going to happen in 63 million years?

(Griffin) I thought it sounded familiar and also hilarious.

(Justin) Well, that's from Dinosaurs, so...

(Travis) Do we have to start, Do we have to start annotating every time we steal a joke from Dinosaurs, because this show is going to become, like, one third longer.

(Justin) This is our Christmas holiday funtacular, otherwise known as Candlenights, it is a non-denominational non-traditional holiday celebration, where the only real rule is just be yourself.

(Griffin) No rules, just right.

(Justin) No rules, just right, it's like a holiday Outback.

(Travis) And also no cursing.

(Griffin) There's no cursing, that's, I guess, the only rule, so one rule, just right. The annual, did you guys know we don't do a Christmas tree, we just have an Awesome Blossom, and then we decorate that Awesome Blossom.

(Justin) And then we watch over the space of a month as it rots on the ground.

(Griffin) Exactly!

(Justin) Boy the dogs sure like Candlenights at our house.

(Griffin) When the stink is so bad that you can't be in the same house as the Candlenights Awesome Blossom, then you throw it away, and then you have a big party to celebrate that you house doesn't smell like rotten stinky onions any-more.

(Justin) Now this of course is an advice show, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

(Travis) I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

(Griffin) I'm your sweet baby Jesus brother, Griffin McElroy; guys, I've almost sworn like, three times already.

(Justin) Yeah, it's pretty tough, it's like hanging over at Nonny's house and not dropping them.

(Travis) It's one of those psychological things where it's the don't push the red button thing, like as soon as we announce we can't curse, it's all I wanna do.

(Griffin) and then you press the red button and then a random person on Earth dies, and then you get a million dollars.

(Travis) Exactly.

(Justin) Don't scratch that place there. I think that the thing that is important, first off, if it's your first time listening to us then welcome, we're so happy that a family member has turned you on to our show.

(Griffin) To the show, urg, wowzers.

(Justin) Did want to re-emphasize that while we will not be using curse words in the traditional sense, we will be exploring ideas that are extremely upsetting.

(Griffin) Exactly.

(Justin) To adults and children alike. No cursing but you'll wish there was a linguistic shorthand to express some of the complicated psycho-sexual idea we will be delving into.

(Griffin) We have effectively lowered the letter grade of our podcast rating down exactly one step. I would like to take this time to apologise for all the screaming that you're probably hearing on my end. I like on a street in Austin known for it's Christmas light displays, and the kids are out in full force and for some reason their gut reaction to seeing a bunch of Christmas lights is to scream as if someone was beating them with a pipe.

(Justin) They just love the holidays.

(Griffin) I haven't looked outside and I don't think there's anybody beating...

(Travis) is it like an excited scream or like a horrified How Could They scream?

(Griffin) It's a guttural, it's just like an almost like they're having a contest who can scream as if the screams illuminate the lights even brighter, as if the screams provide the lights with the precious wattage that they need.

(Justin) These are families that are driving through the street, right?

(Griffin) Mostly walking, we had carollers, honest to God carollers last week. I didn't know how to handle it, I just stood on the porch.

(Justin) I almost asked you why parents would roll down their windows to share the screams with the neighbourhood, but then I imagined the alternate personalities, like, keep the windows rolled up and just..

(Griffin) Oh, let's just bake in those, lets hot-box those screams.

(Travis) You know actually, so yesterday when Justin and I did some magic.

(Griffin) I'm going need everybody, I'm just going to need a quick pause to explain.

(Travis) We did some magic together. Oh do you need more than that?

(Griffin) Like special holiday magic, did you make wishes come true for...

(Travis) We did make it snow inside with the love in our hearts, and we also went to Grey Wolf Lodge and did Magic Quest and defeated a dragon. We did with little kids, wait, we did it with a little kid present, wait, we took a little kid with us.

(Justin) Wait. I gave a cape to a little kid. I, er, I, this is true, I bought a cape and it was eight dollars, it said Magic Quest on it. I was wearing it to the side, like a baron, or Shazam. It got too itchy for my neck and I, there was this little kid who was, named Ryan who was helping Travis to defeat..

(Travis) And by little kid, he was four years old, and he was legit helping me.

(Justin) "You gotta use the ice arrow NOW" and I was watching all this happen and I said "Here Ryan, I think you deserve this cape more than I do" and then I handed it to him, and later we were in, back in the room, we were telling this story to my father in law, and he said "His mom was there right?" and I realised that, only then did I realise that giving a magical cape to a five year old is probably the creepiest thing I've ever done.

(Griffin) Well..

(Travis) So the point of my story here is I watched so many parents carry their children away towards their rooms, screaming, and you know, the parents just continuing on with their conversation with each other as if the children wasn't screaming, and I imagine it's got to be like, when you decide you're going to show your kid something awesome or take them somewhere cool, you have ot know that at the end of the day they're gonna end up screaming.

(Griffin) yeah, guess what, you're not a wizard any-more. Lets go, you're gonna go back to being a second grader. Oh, you don't like that trade off I imagine.

(Travis) So I imagine you have to like build up some kind of resistance.

(Griffin) You're a wizard Harry! But now you're not any-more cos now it's Tuesday, and it's time

(Travis) Now it's bedtime Harry.

(Justin) Now it's time to go to Grandma Joan's Harry. So listen, you know what, this is still an advice show, we should we should get out there and, er, and er,

(Travis) Advise.

(Justin) And help people.

(Griffin) Let's get our hands dirty with Yule.

QUESTION #1 (8:19)

(Justin) My family is a rather boring one in terms of gift-giving. Over the past five years, we've mostly exchanged looks, DVDs..

(Travis) I got you this look.

(Justin) Check this out it's Blue Steel. OK we mostly exchange books, DVDs and music. My parents own electronic readers and owning physical media is for old maids now. I feel entirely unfulfilled giving out iTunes gift codes or whatever nonsense lets me gift digital goods. Should I just settle for disappointing codes for gifts, stick with increasingly obsolete formats of gifts, or take an entirely different approach. That's from Luddite in Lambertville.

(Travis) First of all, I don't think giving DVDs, books and stuff, and music is boring because if you were to cut out those three things, it does not leave a lot of like, other pop-culture media.

(Griffin) Well no, but you can reach outside of the pop-culture realm, outside of that zone, you could get them a colander, that's none of those things.

(Travis) Yeah, but you can't like, do, you can't do a year of all colanders.

(Griffin) That's true. I guess I can't do that. I can't.

(Justin) He got you there.

(Travis) You wouldn't want to like, when you're taking away your haul at the end of the day, just have like a box full of kitchen goods.

(Griffin) I mean you have a point, but in my defence, it's kind of hard to, like strain pasta or cook broccoli through your, through your Pixar Brave DVD, you know.

(Travis) Well, if you only have the one. You have to knit them together into a DVD colander.

(Griffin) That's gonna be, I'm gonna tell you right now, that's gonna be a pretty bad colander. I'm saying, unless you're cooking, er what's

(Justin) I do appreciate the hand-woven DVD colander you got me last year, but it is not effective, there are many shards.

(Griffin) What's that fat pasta, looks like Cinnabons? Tortellini, that's the only pasta you can do in there and that's pretty much it's only use.

(Justin) Did you say it's Torboloni.

(Griffin) I said Torbolone, I said Timberlake.

(Justin) I agree that it's not a great, I think that as part of a gift package, like as part of a suite of gifts you're getting someone, a code is probably very good.

(Griffin) Yeah, the trick to good gift giving is to mix it up like that, like get me an iTunes code because I spend roughly 450 dollars on iTunes every week, and you know, the more you can cut down that number for me the more I appreciate it, then get me something from the heart, you know something you made with your hands, then maybe get me something awful, to temper my expectations for the fourth gift, which is another iTunes card.

(Travis) So you wanna cycle through. It's all ups and downs.

(Griffin) Good Christmas gift giving is really all about muscle confusion. It's really all about zigging, zigging left...

(Justin) I'm doing Gift Insanity.

(Griffin) Zigging left, then zigging really hard right, and giving me an iTunes gift card.

(Justin) You're basically suggesting giving gifts like a senile great aunt, it's basically, you know what about a hand made iTunes gift card?

(Griffin) I like that.

(Justin) you just stitch it together.

(Griffin) It's a post-it note and you wrote 16 random characters on it and you said "Best of luck".

(Travis) Or you just get like a bag with cut up letters and numbers in it and then you have them pick their own 16 digits out, and that way it's like you make your own code and luck be a lady.

(Justin) Something to do with the kids.

(Griffin) you exchange it and it is actually for Luck Be A Lady, but it's that awful version that guy from the Eagles did. It's kind of a reggae jam.

(Travis) I don't know what a code is cos I don't do a lot of purchasing online. Is that like you get a code for a specific album, or for specific ebook?

(Justin) it's basically like bucks.

(Travis) or is it like a gift card?

(Griffin) It's so hard to tell, I don't know how to do it. This person has a point, everything is going digital, but I don't want to give somebody like, I don't want to give somebody like a slip of paper and say "This can be a gift", this is a gift voucher, you know?

(Justin) This is your doorway to a gift.

(Griffin) Yeah.

(Travis) Doesn't Christmas exist so that you like, I will download the music for myself on iTunes, but Christmas exists so you can hand me a CD. Like I don't think it's about the most convenient thing any-more, it's about, well let's be honest, Christmas is about the merch.

(Griffin) Right.

(Justin) It's about goods.

(Griffin) Well no, but..

(Travis) What?